


Home Alone

by AllThingsVaria



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Gen, General craziness, it's the varia they swear a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 15:50:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7851394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThingsVaria/pseuds/AllThingsVaria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Lussuria has had enough of being underappreciated, Squalo is stubborn, and the Varia HQ goes down in flames.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I'm here with a Varia story! Wooh! Anyway, this is actually an old one of mine so if it looks familiar that's because it used to be on FF.net but I decided to change it a bit and make it easier to read. Anyway! The new and improved version is here, enjoy!

The Varia castle was in a state of complete and utter chaos.

The entire west wing was up in flames.

The basement was flooded, destroyed beyond all recognition, anything valuable possibly gone forever.

The dining room was nothing but a pile of rubble and ashes.

And the building's residents? They were simply standing outside, watching the scene in front of them unfold in a sort of resigned silence.

“Well...” Fran drawled. “That could have gone better...”

 

…

_48 hours previously_

...

 

“You know what?! I’ve had enough! I'm out of here!”

The heavy wooden door was slammed shut with a loud BANG, plunging the room into complete silence. Angry footsteps marched down the hallway and for several moments nobody said anything.

“And don't you think I'll come running back to you at the first sign of trouble! You're on your own!”

With that a second BANG was heard, presumably caused by Lussuria slamming the front door shut and leaving the Varia headquarters for good. The remaining core members of the Varia all exchanged mystified looks.

“Ushishi~ what's his problem?”

(Lussuria's _problem_ , as Bel put it, was that when he had woken up that morning, he’d found the kitchen in a state of absolute chaos.

Fran, craving a midnight snack, had apparently woken up and found it necessary to empty the fridge in his pursuit for food. He hadn’t returned anything, and all of the yoghurt was spoiled by the time Lussuria discovered it.

 _His problem_ was that Belphegor had stumbled in through the front door at 10 AM, looking thoroughly satisfied with himself as he left a trail of blood and gore all over the floor Lussuria had _just_ mopped.

 _His problem_ was that when he had just finished cleaning up the mess Bel made, Squalo had come meandering in through that same door, getting _mud_ everywhere.

 _His problem_ was Levi leaving his dirty socks lying all around the castle.

 _His problem_ was Boss shooting some guy through a wall, breaking Lussuria’s favourite vase in the process.)

“Eh, who knows...” Squalo shrugged with an air of indifference. “He'll be back soon.”

 

…

_36 hours_

…

 

For the first few hours, nobody really thought much about the Sun Guardian’s memorable retreat; they kicked Lussuria’s discarded apron aside, parked their asses in front of the TV and then proceeded to watch a movie. When one by one the Varia Officers went to bed, they still didn’t think much about it. By the time they woke up again, they'd forgotten the whole thing had ever even happened.

...That is, at least, until now.

Squalo cleared his throat.

“So, uh, which one of you fuckers knows how to cook?”

The Varia's core members were all gathered around the breakfast table, wearing their night clothes and exchanging wary looks. The Rain Guardian's question was met with a heavy silence.

Picking a victim, Squalo spoke.

“Levi?”

Looking remarkably like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18-wheeler, Levi frantically shook his head.

“Xanxus? Ugh. Forget I ever asked.... Bel?”

“Ushishi~ don't be dumb. Cooking is for maids and peasants.”

“...Fran?”

“You _do_ remember what happened last time Lussuria let me boil an egg, right?”

_Fire. Screams. Dead people. Piles and piles of paperwork._

Right.

“You stay out of the kitchen, Fran. Whatever you do: _Stay. Out. Of. The. Kitchen_.”

“Got it, Commander.”

“Well... that settles it...” Squalo sighed, bringing a hand up to scratch the back of his head, “none of us can cook...” _and the one person that_ could _had stepped out on them last night._ This was a predicament alright…

“What about you, Squalo? Can’t you cook?”

“Are you kidding me? Vooooiiii! Do I look like I can cook, you piece of shit?!”

“Don’t see why not,” Xanxus snorted, a smirk on his lips “Thought it’d be right up your alley, what with that girly-ass hair of yours.”

“WHAT WAS THAT, YOU SHITTY BOSS?! VOOOOOIII!”

Ten minutes later the window was broken, Squalo had effectively been chucked out of it and the curtains were singed. Fran mentally gave himself a congratulatory pat on the back for ducking under the table just in time- Levi and Bel hadn't been as lucky and they'd had to make a last moment dive to the floor in order to avoid getting shot by Xanxus. There was now a gaping hole in the wall and still was no actual decision concerning breakfast.

“Shishi... as entertaining as this has been, the Prince is kind of hungry now.” The blonde said as he stood up, taking a moment make sure his crown was still in the right place. His comrades all gave half-nods and murmurs of agreement.

“Well... maybe there's some leftovers still left in the fridge...?” Fran suggested.

“Yeah, he's got a point.”

And so the Vongola's elite assassination squad made its way towards the kitchen, a domain of the Varia castle which was usually only occupied by Lussuria and the staff. Due to recent events (aka Xanxus having a bitch fit and shooting the place up) the Varia was now short a cook and still on the look-out for a brave and talented enough soul to replace him. As expected, nobody was there.

Squalo swung the fridge door open and all of them peered inside.

Two seconds was all it took for them to realize that the fridge was sadly barren except for one small container sitting innocently enough in the very back. For a moment there was silence... then, with a loud battle cry, everyone lunged for it at once.

There were knives and blood, illusions and gunshots- and of course- a whole lot of screaming.

“VOOOIII! GET OUT OF MY WAY, BEL!”

“Boss! Boss! I will get you that pudding!”

“Ushishi~”

“But Luss-nee-san was keeping that for me.”

“Not if the Prince gets to it first, peasant!”

“IN YOUR DREAMS, PRINCE BRAT!”

“Trash.”

“You traitors! You would let the boss starve?!”

With a harsh yank at long, silver tresses, Squalo was pulled out of the way- an earsplitting “VOOOOOOIII!” signifying his immense disapproval at this unfairness. He massaged his abused scalp, watching with mounting irritation as Xanxus burnt a hole right through the fridge. He reached out over his subordinates, ignoring Bel and Fran- both of whom were currently trying to climb over Levi (or perhaps claw his face out? It was hard to tell)- and took out the container.

“Chocolate pudding?” The Varia boss grunted out after some inspection, his features scrunching up to form what could only be described as a look of pure disgust and loathing “I'm not eating that shit.”

He threw the container over his shoulder and so it was an all-out battle between the Varia's two youngest again.

 

…

_35 hours_

...

 

For a man sporting a black eye, numerous cuts and half a dozen of knives plunged deep inside his frog hat, Fran looked very proud of himself as he pried open the lid of the small round container.

He took a spoonful of pudding, shoved it into his mouth and tasted sweet, _sweet victory_.

“You better watch your back, frog.” Bel growled from his position on the recliner, head lazily tilted backwards. Had his hidden eyes been visible, they would undoubtedly be narrowed into a glare fiercer than hell itself. Despite all that, Fran felt quite satisfied with himself. Really, Belphegor should have known better than to fight a hungry illusionist - nothing (especially not fake princes like his stupid senpai) got between Fran and pudding when he was hungry. He could get downright vicious... and well... he wasn't Varia Quality for nothing, you know.

“So...” Squalo sighed tiredly, “It's been an hour and we _still_ haven't eaten. We've also established that there's nothing edible left in the kitchen. Which raises the question: what now?”

Levi crossed his arms, a look of grim determination flashing across his face as he spoke: “There’s no other way… we’ll have to resort to _that_. We’ll kidnap a civilian to act as a stand-in Lussuria.”

“What the fuck?!”

“Ushishi~ it would certainly take less time than going through the trouble of gluing posters everywhere. And we don't need to pay them- Mammon would approve.”

“We're not kidnapping a civilian!”

“Well, then, how about we kidnap a mafioso then?”

“We're not kidnapping anyone! Voooooiii!”

“Boss is hungry though! We need to do something about it!” Levi yelled in frustration, slamming his fist down on the coffee table with a bit too much force. With a loud cracking noise, the glass shattered. _Oops._ “Oh shit! My hand's bleeding! Quick- Lussuria, get-” The Varia's thunder guardian fell silent again as he realized what he had been about to say. “Damn it.”

Without Lussuria and his ridiculous box weapon, they had no healers. The seriousness of situation was really starting to sink in.

“Levi-san, you're getting blood all over the floor.”

“Don't just stand there, you idiot! Get your ass to the infirmary!”

And so, one teammate short, the debate continued.

“We could always have roasted frog, the Prince has heard that frog legs are a delicacy in France!” At that, before anyone could either accept or turn down his suggestion, Bel had already drawn several knives out of his pockets- a rather menacing grin curling on his lips.

“We're not killing Fran, Bel.” Squalo sternly said. The blonde sighed dejectedly.

“You're such a killjoy, peasant”

“No, senpai. I'm pretty sure you're just a psychopath.”

Half a dozen became exactly a dozen as Bel threw six more of his knives at Fran's frog hat. A dull “ow” confirmed that he had hit his target.

“What do you think, boss?” Turning around to look at the last remaining member of their squad, the three assassins found him resting on his usual throne, his eyes closed and snoring. No reply came from him. “Figures. Of course he's asleep...”

“Well...” Bel shrugged. “What about pizza?”

“Pizza?” Squalo considered it. It... wasn't a bad idea. That way they didn't need to cook for themselves, and they'd have food too. It truly was a win/win situation. “Alright, fine.” He grumbled “Let's get pizza. What do you bastards want?”

It was ten minutes later that the Varia sat once again huddled around the now broken coffee table, Squalo's ear pressed against his cellphone. The device beeped. Once. Twice. Thrice-

_“Hello, my name is Marcelo. How can I help you?”_

“VOOOOOIII! Finally! We want to order some pizzas.”

_“Of course, sir. What would you like?”_

“Right, so.” Quickly, Squalo scrolled through the menu he had looked up online a couple of minutes ago. “Two Meat Lover's, one Hawaii.... one Peperoni and one Margherita.”

_“Alright, two Meat Lover's, one Hawaii, one Peperoni and one Margherita? Does that sound right?”_

“Yeah, yeah. And beer. Corona or some shit.”

“ _I'm sorry, but we don't have any Corona... we have Heineken, Stella Artois-”_

“Okay, fine! Get us whatever you _do_ have! Vooooiii! We need that delivered to the Varia castle!” There was a moment of silence (and a rather strangled sound on the other side of the line) before- “VOOOOOOOOIII! THIS BASTARD HUNG UP ON ME!”

“Well, that's rude.”

(Meanwhile, several kilometers away, a young boy sat crouched behind the counter of a pizzeria, rocking his body back and forth as he remembered the last time he'd been tasked with delivering a pizza to the Varia castle. He _still_ had nightmares about creepy giggles and gunshots at night.)

Disgruntled, Squalo dialed another number. The results were the same. Again, and again, and _again_.

 

…

_34 hours_

…

 

“We could always kidnap a civilian.”

“I said no!”

 

…

_33 hours_

...

 

 

“... Guys... my hand kind of hurts.” Levi complained, sighing heavily as he looked at his bandaged hand. It had been a long time since he'd gone without the sun guardian's healing flames... and it was... annoying.

“Do I look like I care, trash?”

“You should've thought twice before breaking that coffee table, idiot.”

“Ushishi~”

“Sucks to be you, Levi-san.”

The Varia, Levi decided, was filled with cold-hearted bastards.

 

…

_30 hours_

...

 

It was six hours after they had woken up, and everybody's stomachs were growling. Two walls had been shot through courtesy of Xanxus, and Fran's frog hat currently resembled a hedgehog more than it did a hat.

It was safe to say that the Varia's elite were all hungry and disgruntled.

Finally, after much arguing and a lot of hesitation, the five of them had caved in and were now standing in the nearest supermarket, looking as out-of-place as one could possibly look in a public area. The heavy, murderous aura surrounding them probably didn't help them either.

“Voooooi, so.... first is-” Squalo scratched his head, peering down at the little list they had made before leaving the castle.

“Steak.”

“But that's at the very back of the shop-”

“Steak.”

“Xanxus, just think about this for a second-”

“I said steak, trash.”

Considering that Xanxus looked like he was 0.0000001 second away from taking out his X guns and shooting a bullet through his head, Squalo conceded.

“Fine. Fucking steak it is.”

And so the five assassins made their way to the very back of the store.

Initially, Bel had been the one entrusted with the shopping cart but that had quickly changed when it became apparent that their resident Prince was much more interested in running, jumping on the cart and screaming out “weeeeeeeee!” as he darted down the isles at breakneck speed than being helpful. Bel having been banned from pushing the cart (and Fran looking way too eager to let the Varia rookie anywhere _close_ to it), Squalo had taken it upon himself to carry the weight of this family.

The meat was ordered, given to them, put in the cart and secured.

Next up, came-

“Hey Squalo, the Prince wants candy.”

“I need shaving cream.”

“Let's go buy some cucumber and tomatoes next. I want to eat a salad tonight.”

Squalo squinted down at the paper he was holding. (No, he did _not_ need glasses, dammit).

“The Prince said candy!”

“But that's back at the front of the store! Shaving cream is much closer to here...!”

“Being royalty, the prince's needs are more important than yours.”

“Well, perhaps, but we've already established that you're fake royalty, so....”

“But shaving cream-”

“Candy.”

Squalo could feel a migraine coming on.

“WOULD YOU THREE SHUT UP FOR A MOMENT?!”

“Candy.”

“Shaving cream.”

“Salad.”

“CANDY!”

“SHAVING CREAM!”

“VOOOOOOI! WE'RE GOING TO BUY SHAMPOO AND THAT'S IT! NOW SHUT UP!”

If people weren't staring at them before, they certainly were doing so now. Why on earth had they decided to go on this shopping trip _together_ again? He should've left all of them back at home and done this by himself.

Stomping off towards where all the hair products were, Squalo proceeded to waste no less than 23 minutes and 47 seconds picking out a brand of shampoo and conditioner that he liked. Levi took this time to deposit a bottle of shaving cream in the cart. Next up were Bel's candies and last (but not least, according to Fran) was a cucumber and three tomatoes.

They then walked up and down the isles, picking up anything else they might need (apples, pudding, dog biscuits (Squalo figured that he shouldn't ask questions he was pretty sure he didn't want to know the answer to), some beer, soft drinks, cookies, pre-prepared salads, a tub of ice cream and a.... lawnmower...?). Finally, at long last, they made it to the checkout line.

Some kid was halfway through scanning their items, when a sudden realization suddenly struck the swordsman like a ton of bricks.

“VOOOOI! WHERE IS XANXUS?”

Xanxus did in fact hear the swordsman, even as he stood all the way across the supermarket. Unfortunately for Squalo, as he took another tester from the platter in front of him- ignoring the completely terrified man whose job it was to tell him he wasn't actually allowed to eat all of them- he couldn't care less.

 

…

_28 hours_

…

 

Levi threw some oil into a pan, a determined (but slightly terrified) look in his eyes. For the first time in many years, he said a prayer.

“How difficult can cooking a steak be?”

 

…

_27 hours_

_…_

“Mmmmmm, this salad sure is _good_.”

“Shut up, Fran.”

Levi, who was currently nursing a rather painful burn in addition to his bleeding hand, seemed to be close to tears. How difficult could cooking a steak be, indeed. He sniffed pitifully.

“What the fuck is this? Did you put cinnamon on the steak, Levi?”

“Well, _you_ cook it next time, Squalo! I bet you can't do it better!”

 

…

_20 hours_

...

 

In the late hours of the night, nobody was awake. After that disastrous dinner, the notorious assassins of the Vongola's independent assassination squad had each retired to their own bedrooms- too afraid of Xanxus and his wrath to stay in the same room as him for any longer.

As Fran made his way down the stairs, signature frog hat noticeably absent for once (it wasn't like the psycho prince would see it right now), he was quite happy he hadn't been present when Boss had thrown his tantrum. It would seem that the Varia's dining room was no more. In its place there were only half-walls and ashes.

Fran whistled.

That's Xanxus for you.

The green-haired illusionist often had trouble sleeping. As such, Lussuria would usually make him a nice cup of hot milk, give him a pat on the back and send him back to bed. It was surprisingly soothing. Only that Lussuria wasn't present right now, and Fran couldn't sleep, and well, since the only thing that helped Fran sleep was hot milk.... _desperate times called for desperate measures._

Not even ten minutes later, there was an explosion in the kitchen and the rest of the Varia was woken up by the fire alarm going off.

 

…

_19 hours_

….

 

“BEL, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU UNLEASH MINK WHEN THE CASTLE’S _ON FIRE_?!”

“THE PRINCE WAS HALF ASLEEP OKAY? IT’S A REFLEX!”

 

…

_16 hours_

…

 

Morning found Fran, Bel, Squalo, Xanxus and Levi lazing around in the living room, clearly exhausted. It had been a terrible night, and that was reflected on each and every one of them individually.

“The Prince is hungry and his hair smells like smoke.” Bel whined. “I haven't felt this bad since that mission in Russia where I got captured by those peasants because Squalo was an idiot and won't admit he needs glasses.”

“VOOOII! That was seven years ago, Bel! And I _don’t_ need glasses!”

“ _You_ weren't the one captured.” The blonde prince snidely remarked, telling Squalo that- yes, he would be hearing about this for the rest of his miserable life. He then sighed, resting his arm against his forehead quite dramatically. “The Prince misses Lussuria. This would never have happened if you peasants hadn't been this terrible at taking care of yourselves.”

“Oh yeah,” Fran sarcastically muttered, “Because you had no part in it at all, Bel-senpai.”

“Of course not, it's a delight to serve the Prince.”

Levi snorted. “Yeah, I'm sure it is. For what it's worth though, I miss Lussuria as well.”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck, I wouldn't even mind his stupid-ass mohawk right now.”

“Have we tried calling him?”

“Yeah, he doesn't pick up.”

Collectively, the Varia sighed.

 

…

_12 hours_

…

 

“Guys... can we kidnap a civilian now? _Please?_ ”

 

…

_10 hours_

…

 

Squalo stood in the basement, a look of utter concentration on his face. He looked at the box in his hands, then to the machine in front of him. To the box in his hands, the machine in front of him. Box. Machine. Box.

_How much of this shit was he supposed to add?_

“Oh fuck it.”

Squalo poured an entire box of detergent into the washing machine, slammed it shut, and prayed for the best.

…

_6 hours_

…

“Someone do the dishes. This plate is disgusting.”

“Do them yourself, senpai.”

“Ushishi~ I'm a Prince, you dumb frog. You don't honestly expect me to do commoners' labour, do you?”

…

_3 hours_

…

 

_You have twelve (12) new messages._

_From: Squ-chan_

VOOOOII! LUSSURIA! FUCK YOU FOR LEAVING US HERE ALL ALONE! WE'RE DOING GREAT!

 

_From: Fran-chan_

Luss-nee-san, Squalo flooded the basement. Please come back soon or we might all die.

 

From: Bossu

None of these trashes know how to cook

 

_From: Fran-chan_

Seriously, there's bubbles everywhere.

 

_From: Fran-chan_

I can barely breathe

 

_From: Bel-chan_

The Prince will kill a peasant of your choice if you return

 

_From: Fran-chan_

Say goodbye to Master for me. Tell him I always hated his pineapple hairstyle

 

_From: Levi-chan_

Lussuria, I'm sorry for always leaving my socks lying around. Please come back and I promise I'll never do it again. I'll never insult your fashion sense again either.

 

_From:  Squ-chan_

WE'RE DOING SO WELL WITHOUT YOU. EVERYTHING'S PERFECT.

 

_From: Bel-chan_

The Prince is hungry and miserable. Hurry up and come back, Luss.

 

_From: Bossu_

Trash

 

_From: Squ-chan_

Okay so my previous messages were lies. Come back, scum. The Varia needs you.

 

…

_2 hours_

…

 

“Hey, has anyone seen Mink?”

 

…

_0 hours_

…

 

The Varia castle was in a state of complete and utter chaos.

The entire west wing was up in flames.

The basement was flooded, destroyed beyond all recognition, anything valuable possibly gone forever.

The dining room was nothing but a pile of rubble and ashes.

And the building's residents? They were simply standing outside, watching the scene in front of them unfold in a sort of resigned silence.

“Well...” Fran drawled. “That could have gone better...”

 

…

_Some time later, at the Vongola HQ_

…

 

“Hello, boys~” Lussuria’s lips twitched into a sweet _(evil)_ smile as his comrades all stumbled in through the door, covered in ashes and looking like they had just been through hell and back. “Did you miss me?”

 

 

**Extra:**

 

_From: Tsunayoshi-kun_

I'll give you anything, just please, _please_ never leave the Varia alone again. I don’t think I can handle another pile of paperwork this big.


End file.
